Feels Like I Am Reborn, I Feel So Happy for the First Time in My Life

Minjoo Kang / Living in Moscow

I was only 20 years old, but I was so exhausted. During the International Monetary Fund (IMF) crisis, our house was foreclosed on. From the time I was in middle school, life became difficult. I tried hard to move on, however nothing changed. I felt so hopeless against the problems of the world. Going to college, working at a part time job, and living alone in Seoul was not easy.

I wanted to escape from my anxiety and loneliness, so I chose to go to Australia

I did not want to be noticed so I pretended to be happy all the time and gave a bright outward impression. When I was alone, I was very sad and tired. Repeated mood swings, insomnia, loneliness, and anxiety about the future continued. I wanted to escape, I wanted to go anywhere. As soon as I finished my first year of college, I left for Australia. After receiving a working holiday visa, I went to school during the day for 3 months, worked part-time in the evening, saved money, and took crazy trips to the sea and desert.

It seemed like something would change if I made these journeys. In the meantime, I found a friend that changed my life. She was lodging in the attic of a guest house where I was staying for free in exchange for cleaning. Professor Sun-joo Han, a single woman, was an exchange professor there at the University of Arts. I treated her kindly and even called her “mom,” and I naturally confessed my difficult story while living with her.

The professor served me Korean food and gave me various advice. I had no place to put my heart before, but I now had someone to rely on in a faraway country. I was with the professor for about 7 months. I met her again when I returned to school in my sophomore year. I went to see her in Gwangju, where she was at the time. The professor welcomed me and took care of me like her own child.

We traveled together and took in the sites. As I watched her, I felt hope that I could live beautifully and happily like her. Alas, my heart didn’t work that way. After coming back from Australia my quiet heart began to suffer again. When it was time to work or be alone, I again became depressed and could not find stability.

Finding my real happiness, didn’t mean that I needed to be seen by others

At that time, the prayer I had before falling asleep was, “I wished I would not wake up tomorrow morning.” The professor introduced me to this meditation that her student was doing. This meditation was a way to cleanse the mind. Just being able to empty my mind gave me hope.

Everyone in my class was worried about finding a job, but the professor was different. “Finish the meditation first, and finding a job would not be a problem,” she said. She even paid for my meditation fee. The words the professor said when I told her, “I will definitely pay you back later,” still remain deep in my heart. “You can pay this money back later, not to me, but to someone else who is struggling. Don’t think about anything, let’s take control of your mind first. First you have to be happy yourself.” The professor is not a person that shows off when others see it, but she has helped me find my true happiness.

So I started meditation. Pictures came up that I was not loved by my dad as a child, of resentment against my parents, and about anxiety that I felt. I thought that I would never be happy. I threw away these minds one by one. I wanted to live better than others, but I realized by throwing away the feelings of resentment that trapped me, that this pain did not exist. I’ve never loved myself the way I am or the world around me, I never loved anything, and I never really knew myself. As I cleared away the past that had covered me, I found my true self. I am so pure, clear and beautiful like the world. I felt like I was born again. It was the first time I was able to breathe. I thanked my parents just for giving birth to me. I was grateful that I am alive, and I was grateful for the trees and the sky.

I immediately wrote a letter to the professor. “Thank you for introducing this meditation to me.” My mother gave birth to me, but the professor was the one who developed me mentally. I am now living my second life in Moscow. Thank you to the professor who cherished me with love without wishing for anything in return. I am living in a new world, really breathing.

Source: meditationlife.org

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